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Tag Archives: negotiating skills

The process of job-hunting in India is a formidable one. Get ready to field some really zany, borderline illegal, “it’s none of your business” type questions. Carry every single report/progress card…every ONE..right from Kindergarten to University, because HR Personnel WANT to know why you could not boil an egg in 8th Grade Home Economics class, as it is a vital skill in designing furniture.

Step 1: Prepare Resume

a. The Indian resume is the strangest thing I’ve ever come across in my professional career. Most resumes will have a little invocation to the applicant’s favorite god right up in the header. This is where the applicant very smartly weeds out the employers of other faiths he does not want to work with, as holidays will clash. What if he got Christmas off, when he really wanted to celebrate Labakdas Janmastami?

b. Neatly list in the following order –

i. Father’s Name

ii. Mother’s Name

iii. Kollu thatha’s gothram

iv. Caste

v. Number of un-married younger sisters (this will help in negotiating a higher pay)

After this vital information has been entered, spend not more than 2 lines per job to describe the 8 months you spent at that company interviewing with other companies for a 2% pay-hike. At any cost, do NOT mention any cost-cutting measures or major career achievements. Save the juicy bits for the interviews.

End with a generous description of your hobbies, like watching movies, or reading comics. List every TV Show you know, because there’s an off chance that your interviewer missed the Season 2 finale of Heroes, and you can cash in on the opportunity to fill him in and thereby secure the job. Also, it’s guaranteed that your future boss will never keep you at work during Monday night prime-time.

Step 2: Upload resume on all job-portals.

Do not miss creating profiles on CareerBuilder.com, Maanster.com and Nowscream.com

Step 3: Shady Recruiter Call

(R)Recruiter: Hallo, is this Pruthvi Kumar?

(M)Me: It’s Pr-I-thvi Kumar.

R: Ok, pruthvi, I have a client who has a job. Are you interested?

M: Who is the client, and where is the job?

R: Oh, that is caanfitential. By the by, what is your salary expectation?

M: How can I tell you that without knowing anything about the company, position and location?

R: They are very reputed, and located in Kolkata.

M: How am I supposed to prepare for an interview with a nameless firm? Will they pay for interview related travel and lodging expenses.

R: They are willing to pay if you come by maatuvandee.

M: Huh? Can you at least tell me what position this is?

(change topic abruptly) R: Ummm..so you can speak Chinese?

M: Just a little. Enough to order the right food in Shanghai.

R: So, can I put you down for a Chinese Translator position with Sri Labakdas Pvt Ltd in Kolkata?

M: No!

R: Why? You can speak Chinese, no?

M: Well, I can speak to animals too, is that why I’m able to understand you?

R: Sir, we have openings with Bombay Municipal Zoo for Panda Caretaker..what is your expected CTC for that?

M: Listen, I’m not interested in any of your so called positions. Thank you.

R: So, Can I go ahead and forward your resume to my client?

M: Huh, which Client?

R: Godrej Interio, the confidential client?

M: What is the salary range?

R: 2.5 lakhs per annum to live in slum-infested Vikhroli in Mumbai.

M: You want me to give up my very lucrative present job where I make (2.5Lakhs plus a helluva lot more) to move to Mumbai?

R: Yes, be happy they are giving you a  job, ya!

M: (hang up)

Step 4: The On-Site Interview

If you live in the South, and are interviewing for a position in the North, be prepared to shell out some serious dough to meet travel expenses for the on-site interview. The more money the interviewers see you spend, the better your chances of getting the job. It shows you have enough money of your own to be able to survive for months on end, without any chance of seeing a pay-check in the horizon.

Also, get yourself ready and sharpen your minds for 4-5 hour long written entrance exams that will put your religious affiliations to the grinder and litmus test. All papers must be started with “Om Nama Shivayah”.

Once you’ve completed all the paperwork, you finally get to be interviewed by a panel of employees with whom you might be time-sharing a cubicle with. Do NOT ask ANY questions about the company that might show you actually researched the company and care about a mutual “fit”. It does not matter how professional you might have been during the interview. Identify the person whose ass your tongue will be spending a lot of time in, and be extremely ingratiating to him.

Step 5: The Offer

Provided you survived the resume editing, recruiters,  and bamboozled the interview panel with your foxiness, you can expect an offer letter after reminding the HR personnel about the verbal offer made during your interview, about 20-30 times via e-mails and phone-calls over the next 6 months.

Step 6: Get Pay-check, realize you are being shafted and repeat steps 1-6.