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The process of job-hunting in India is a formidable one. Get ready to field some really zany, borderline illegal, “it’s none of your business” type questions. Carry every single report/progress card…every ONE..right from Kindergarten to University, because HR Personnel WANT to know why you could not boil an egg in 8th Grade Home Economics class, as it is a vital skill in designing furniture.

Step 1: Prepare Resume

a. The Indian resume is the strangest thing I’ve ever come across in my professional career. Most resumes will have a little invocation to the applicant’s favorite god right up in the header. This is where the applicant very smartly weeds out the employers of other faiths he does not want to work with, as holidays will clash. What if he got Christmas off, when he really wanted to celebrate Labakdas Janmastami?

b. Neatly list in the following order –

i. Father’s Name

ii. Mother’s Name

iii. Kollu thatha’s gothram

iv. Caste

v. Number of un-married younger sisters (this will help in negotiating a higher pay)

After this vital information has been entered, spend not more than 2 lines per job to describe the 8 months you spent at that company interviewing with other companies for a 2% pay-hike. At any cost, do NOT mention any cost-cutting measures or major career achievements. Save the juicy bits for the interviews.

End with a generous description of your hobbies, like watching movies, or reading comics. List every TV Show you know, because there’s an off chance that your interviewer missed the Season 2 finale of Heroes, and you can cash in on the opportunity to fill him in and thereby secure the job. Also, it’s guaranteed that your future boss will never keep you at work during Monday night prime-time.

Step 2: Upload resume on all job-portals.

Do not miss creating profiles on CareerBuilder.com, Maanster.com and Nowscream.com

Step 3: Shady Recruiter Call

(R)Recruiter: Hallo, is this Pruthvi Kumar?

(M)Me: It’s Pr-I-thvi Kumar.

R: Ok, pruthvi, I have a client who has a job. Are you interested?

M: Who is the client, and where is the job?

R: Oh, that is caanfitential. By the by, what is your salary expectation?

M: How can I tell you that without knowing anything about the company, position and location?

R: They are very reputed, and located in Kolkata.

M: How am I supposed to prepare for an interview with a nameless firm? Will they pay for interview related travel and lodging expenses.

R: They are willing to pay if you come by maatuvandee.

M: Huh? Can you at least tell me what position this is?

(change topic abruptly) R: Ummm..so you can speak Chinese?

M: Just a little. Enough to order the right food in Shanghai.

R: So, can I put you down for a Chinese Translator position with Sri Labakdas Pvt Ltd in Kolkata?

M: No!

R: Why? You can speak Chinese, no?

M: Well, I can speak to animals too, is that why I’m able to understand you?

R: Sir, we have openings with Bombay Municipal Zoo for Panda Caretaker..what is your expected CTC for that?

M: Listen, I’m not interested in any of your so called positions. Thank you.

R: So, Can I go ahead and forward your resume to my client?

M: Huh, which Client?

R: Godrej Interio, the confidential client?

M: What is the salary range?

R: 2.5 lakhs per annum to live in slum-infested Vikhroli in Mumbai.

M: You want me to give up my very lucrative present job where I make (2.5Lakhs plus a helluva lot more) to move to Mumbai?

R: Yes, be happy they are giving you a  job, ya!

M: (hang up)

Step 4: The On-Site Interview

If you live in the South, and are interviewing for a position in the North, be prepared to shell out some serious dough to meet travel expenses for the on-site interview. The more money the interviewers see you spend, the better your chances of getting the job. It shows you have enough money of your own to be able to survive for months on end, without any chance of seeing a pay-check in the horizon.

Also, get yourself ready and sharpen your minds for 4-5 hour long written entrance exams that will put your religious affiliations to the grinder and litmus test. All papers must be started with “Om Nama Shivayah”.

Once you’ve completed all the paperwork, you finally get to be interviewed by a panel of employees with whom you might be time-sharing a cubicle with. Do NOT ask ANY questions about the company that might show you actually researched the company and care about a mutual “fit”. It does not matter how professional you might have been during the interview. Identify the person whose ass your tongue will be spending a lot of time in, and be extremely ingratiating to him.

Step 5: The Offer

Provided you survived the resume editing, recruiters,  and bamboozled the interview panel with your foxiness, you can expect an offer letter after reminding the HR personnel about the verbal offer made during your interview, about 20-30 times via e-mails and phone-calls over the next 6 months.

Step 6: Get Pay-check, realize you are being shafted and repeat steps 1-6.

Today, I was at a job interview with the COO of a company. I had just finished telling him what a  good fit I’d be for the Design position, when my iPhone SMS alert went “Mail Mothafuckah” in the most menacing black ghetto accent imaginable.  The COO smiled, while I fumbled around trying to turn the phone on Silent mode. At the end of the interview, he said he’d give me the job if I sent him the ringtone via bluetooth!! FML. I did, along with 15 other very racist, sexist Borat and Bruno ringtones.

Bangalore may have lingo that can be found nowhere else. Contributions from teachers and lecturers throughout Bangalore’s schools and engineering colleges make up a large part of it.

Please enjaii:

1. Overheard at Sir MVIT 1st Sem Chemistry –

Dr. GMK – “Eyy, why you are looking at the monkey when I yam here?”

                 – “Open the window and let the air-force in”

                 – “Why you are sitting about the backside?”

                In the lab – ” Aal af you, pick up a round baatum flask of any shape”

                                    – “Please stand in a straight semi-circle”

2. Valley School – Sports Field –

Krishna Saar – “Ehh, both of you three! I will cut it the pants and make it the sharts!”

3. 4rth Sem BE, Mech @Sir MVIT –

Me – “Rajesh, how do you spell Phenyle?”

Rajesh – “Fee-yee-yen-why-yel-ee!”

In a surprise announcement, Sun TV has announced that the King of Late Night, Count Dracula will be hosting a new late night talk show, on their new network, MoonTV. The show is scheduled to air fortnightly and will coincide with full moon nights. The Count (known to close friends as KD) will try to repair his tarnished image by focusing on a popular form of Tamil humor, the “Kadi” joke, having centuries of experience with this format.

He will be biting into this role with much gusto! There will be no mirrors on the show, and will also feature a new segment sponsored by Benadryl (for the coffin, of course), where the King of Kadi will interview young virgins. His first guests will be Tollywood movie-stars, Asin and Trisha.

MoonTV released some of his material to the internationally acclaimed Product Engineer, Prithvi Kumar, so he could give his readers a sneak preview of some of the humor.

“What is the opposite of Encyclopedia?”

On cycle pudiya!

“What is the similarity between Goddess Kaali and Boxing?”

Naak-out!

“What is the similarity between Communism and Krishna Jayanti?”

“Kaal Marks”

A Bee couple came home to their hive, only to find a fly in their honey. So the hubby Bee tells the wife Bee – “A B C D E !”

Fans of KK, such as Mr. KK Venkatesan from the Thoobai in the Gelf were delighted! When asked for a comment, he said – “No sound bites from my side at the moment.”


  

(This post was inspired by the fabulous bloggers at www.bosey.co.in, the Onion of India! )

In other news, internationally acclaimed Product Engineer Prithvi Kumar (Jiggs, to close friends) has agreed to put his bachelordom ( a: an unmarried man b: a male animal (as a fur seal) without a mate during breeding time) behind him and get betrothed immediately after his trip to Las Vegas to get rid of all the single dollar bills he has collected so far.

In typical Iyer fashun, his mother has started the process of posting matrimonial classifieds on various websites, such as www.Iyermatteronlymoney.com and www.shaata.com, (eh, sorry, www.shaadi.com). The profile, scripted by noted matrimonial classifieds expert, Mrs. Maitri Mani  (known to her close friends as Mint Mani) has all the usual lies attributed to NRI (Non-Religious Iyers) boys wedding profiles, like :

“Eggetarian” – Will eat anything that might be born inside and outside an egg. To avoid confusion, he eats both Chicken Curry and Egg Masala at the same time.

 ” Social Animal” – Chases anything in a skirt, unsuccessfully.

“Plans to do MBA” – Continue pursuing More Beer Activities.

Being internationally acclaimed, he has already recieved many queries from bride hopefuls, the first coming from Ms. Shanti. After a lengthy description of her families’ educational qualifications, he was still found waiting for the vital-statistix. When broached about this, the bride’s family dropped the topic with a thud*. 

The irresponsible word-smith that he is, Mr. Prithvi has already started fantasizing about the Page 3 headlines morning after the honeymoon (Jenu-Chandra, in local parlance).

“Peace on Earth at last!”

“Earth erupts violently in face of Peace”

“On Shanti On”

Also, since Shanti looks pretty porky ( a term most Republicans love), having Sow.Shanti on the wedding inviatations will be most appropriate. Master Manjunath has been booked to perform such yester-year classics as “Yaen Hudgiro” and “Surangani: Unedited version” at the ceremony. When asked about his artiste’s fees, he was quick to point out – “Yaen reportaro? Neevyakingkelthiro? Feesu, Feesu, Feesantha kanneer-bidtheero”.  

(This post was inspired by the fabulous and most talented bloggers at www.bosey.co.in, the Onion of India! )

I finally got around to drawing a simple cartoon that illustrates the steps involved in the fine art of making a brassiere (Yes, Victoria..I’m letting the secret out..cheap bra’s for everyone) out of a Handkerchief.

The Sri Ram Sene will try to buy the patent from me, so their goons can forcibly clothe loose women (If a woman is loose, then the only solution is growing a bigger penis to fit the sleeve of the wizard). Bonus points if you got the Borat reference. You can also use it to readily clothe a Hindi movie heroine who has just been raped and is looking for a suitable way to regain her modesty. Tamizh movie heroines usually wear the 9-yard davani, so plenty of material to go around there. Pun intended.

Hanky Panky Bra

Hanky Panky Bra

Or

I thereby propose a new campaign! The Hanky Panky Bra Campaign. Hanky Panky Bra Campaign will be the next big thing in charity events, dwarfing even Breast Cancer!! How can anything ever eclipse the breast, you ask? Ever been mooned? A well executed moon can eclipse breasts very well. The breasts still win in the fondling category though. Whatever happened to good old fashioned AIDS Charitable events? Terminal sexual diseases not important enough anymore? Have AIDS charities been run into the ground by the US and European media and now passed over as a 3rd-world problem? Designer drugs that can keep Magic Johnson alive for 15+ years are now getting cheaper? Is it now a hand-me-down event?

Why is Breast Cancer more important than AIDS ? Yes, ‘cos I, as a man, love boobies, and this world would be one giant carrom board if all women lost their boobies to Cancer. Nin Akkan Carrom Board! This is my most misogynistic post ever.

I’m sick and tired of running relays, cooking Chili, donating old clothes and playing volleyball for Breast Cancer. What about Prostrate Cancer? Can you imagine everyone at work taking a day off to run relays to raise money so men can hang on to their balls? Yeah sure, I see that happening soon. Let’s start with testicular massage marathons. That should be a fun event at work for sure. “5 dollah, sucky, fucky!! All proceed go to Testiculah Cancer Chalitee!!

December 2000. It was the first day of our first semester exams. It was the dreaded Math 1. Since, DJ, Febi and I had all-nighted the night before and were in no mood to take the college bus. So, I borrowed my mom’s car and decided we would pick up Pavan(Bablu) at Gangenahalli on our way to college.

I had my driver drive us, as all of us wanted to spend every spare minute cramming mindless formulae. Somewhere in the proximity of Yelahanka, I was trying to calm myself down uttering random nonsense. “Sandapupu, Sandapupu….”.

Pavan – “What is that?”

Me – “What is what?”

Pavan – “Sanda..whatever”

I look over at Febi and DJ. The time is ripe, we simultaneously decide.

Febi – ” You don’t know Sandapupu?”

Pavan – “No?”. Pavan was always afraid his musical choices were never kewl enough for our approval.

“What , who is Sandapupu?”

DJ as facetiously as possible – “Dude!! You havent heard Sandapupu? Sandapupu Play!..????”

Pavan – “……..no?……?”

Febi – “WHAT?? Sandapupu Play man!! STFU!! WTF..you haven’t heard Play?? He’s like the best in the business!! The new album is the most earth-shattering, shaata-trimming, tear-jerking, heart-moving, dikchik pumping thing you will ever hear!!”

Pavan – “Where can I get the album?”

Me – “Ahh, nin akkan pongal! That’s where the trick is – The album is one of those underground releases because of a R rating and explicit rating. So, Musicworld doesn’t it stock it openly.”

Pavan getting increasingly agitated at his apparent lack of all things mujikally fit..mujikally fit..mujikally mujikally mujikally fit.

“So where can I get it man??? Tell me daa!!”

Me -” When you enter MusicWorld, go down about 3-4 aisles to where they display the Heavy Metal stuff like Metallica, Panthera n all. On the right, when no one’s looking, quickly bend down, pull the drawer open and you’ll see it, I hope..if it hasn’t sold out already, cos Sandapupu is the fuckin shit dude!!”

By that time, we got to college. All of us poured out and went to the Engineering Department looking for our assigned seat numbers and classrooms. Febi and DJ were always in a  different class-room, so I never had the fortune of being able to “exam” with them.

But anyways, after that day, all of us forgot about the Sandapupu bait.

About 2 months later, pavan returns from an All-India yatra that he did with his mom. He calls us up when he got back and we went out for Kaati Rolls.

Pavan gets off his bike – ” You fucking bastards!! ”

Febi – “WTF?? ”

Pavan – “Bitch!! I didnt have time to go to the Musicworld in bangalore before I left, so i went to the one in Delhi. And I couldnt find it!! So I asked the store attendant to help me out by running a search on the inventory and he looked at me real funny when I said Sandapupu. And then I started convincing him..and then..you fuckers…!!”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha….rolling on the floor…stomach sides hurt….cant breathe…..hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

April 1999. The Indian School Certificate Examinations were done with. No more Organic Chemistry, no more building drawings, no more Chacko tuitions! Ammu’s dad had graciously invited a bunch of us to spend a week on his Houseboat( named Ammu too) in the back-waters of Cochin. Anuradha, Kavya, Varun(Stud), Sushan, Yashas, Dhananjay and I accepted and on a nice, hot, Bangalore summer day, boarded the Kanyakumari Express for an overnight journey to Cochin.

Ammu’s dad had arranged for two cars to pick us up from the railway station and take us to his home just in time for lunch. And what a  lunch it was. I love Keralite food. Appams, Stew, Banana fritters, Chicken Kozhumbu, Appalams, Tender coconut water…mmmmmm. That afternoon, we all piled into a Temp Traveller and visited a couple of cool new buildings Ammu’s dad was working on. He was a well known Architect in Cochin. Evening rolled by, and he decided the weather was cool enough to get on the Houseboat and begin our journey.

We swam, saw porpoises, ate freshly caught fish and other back-water delicacies for 3 days. On the third day, we docked at Alleppey(the Venice of Kerala) and boarded the Tempo Traveller, for what we thought was a the drice back to Cochin. But Ammu’s dad, generous man that he was, told us that he had arranged for a another 4 days of Kerala sight-seeing, his treat. we couldn’t pass up the offer and drove straight to Thekkady, a beautiful forest preserve near the Periyar River. We spent  a day there, hiking up and down some forest trails and got to see some rare red flying squirrel, I forget the genus name.

From Thekkady, we went on to Kovalam, which is famous for its beach. We got there a little before the high tide was in, which gave us some time to quickly get into some appropriate beach-wear and hit the sand and surf. Varun and Sushan hadn’t packed swim-trunks, so they decided to brave the waves in the flannel pajamas that Sushan had sourced from Nepal (Sushan is from Nepal, btw). The high-tide came in and we enjoyed being pulled against the sand by the large waves when they receded. Varun and Sushan were trying to cart-wheel and perform all manners of funny acrobatics on each other in the waves.

About an hour later, it started getting dark, and so we decided to head out. I took off to one of the shacks along the beach, where, for a rupee, you could wash your feet and sand off your body and change into fresh clothes in moderate privacy. I got changed and was about to head to the Tempo, when I noticed, varun was still in the water. So, I went closer and yelled for him to get out. He sheepishly announced he could not. On further quizzing, I determined that somehow the salty ocean water had made short work of the flannel pajamas( only his, not Sushan’s) and all that was left was an elastic band around the waist, with some strands of flannel dangling from it. Judging by the way he was describing the cold ocean water lapping around his balls, I could tell the the ocean had not left enough flannel for a strategic covering of shaata. Shaat-ulous! Nin Oceanic Shaata, I say..this was bloody funny. I could picture Varun wading out the water, in strands of flannel, causing all the tourists left to think he was some semi-naked Mer-man arrrived from the depths, to deliver a message from Lord Varuna(Ruler of the Oceans). So, I did the only think I could think of at the time. To embarrass him further. I took off to the Temp and told Anu that Varun had asked her to buy a pair of trunks at one of the beach-side stalls and give it to him. She looked horrified! I told her I couldn’t do it as I had to go find Sushan. Not wanting to delay our hosts, she begrudgingly went off to source the trunks, wade into the water and give trunks to Varun, who couldn’t have been more embarrassed to be handed clothes by Anu. Hahahahaha. By that time, I had rounded up Sushan, Kavya, Ammu and the rest and had informed them about the Mer-man of Kovalam. When Varun and Anu got into the Tempo, Stud was greeted by howls of raucous laughter.

Of course, the funny story of the dissolving flannel and the Merman of Kovalam did the usual rounds of gossip in the Valley School circuit, and finally made it to my blog, to be recorded and documented for posterity.

Summer, 2005.  Hot, sunnny and  “make you wash your Fruit of the Looms twice a  day” humidity in Chicago. So damn hot for 3months, that, natives go mad and wear next to nothing. Great time to go for a leisurely sight-adichufying walk along Lake Michigan.

The Shaata 5 were now the Trimmed 3. Prajvin and Kartik had moved on to bigger things, namely co-ops! Hobbit(Nikhil Sherman), Motte(Sandy G Rao) and me were a man short on rent. We posted an ad listing under “Room-mate Wanted” on IIT Bazaar and a week later, found our helpless prey.

Nikhil announced that we would be having a guest for dinner that evening. A German girl named Claudia. I was, as the resident Deutsche sprecher, very excited about having a guinea pig to say “Guten Abend! Wie geht’s?” and continue the rest of the conversation in safe English.

In our excitement, we forgot to tell Choithanya abou the addition for the evening. Around, 6Pm, claudia shows up with Nikhil. Motte said “Hallo, I yam Sandy”. I said “Wie geht’s, ich heise Prithvi”, and Chaithanya said – “Yallo, I yaam Choi-thanya” and spilt his drink, thereby wetting the shaat-ular regions. Instead of getting up and excuse himself, he erected an invisible wall, swivelled his chair around, and went to work trying to dry the area with heat generation from palm-on-crotch friction.  It was obvious, he had never interacted with a fraulein.

Meanwhile, Nikhil burst into giggles and decided to order Chinese food for the night. 30mins later, Choi-thanya was designated to go downstairs and pick up the food. He returned with the brown bag neatly stuffed with Crab Rangoon, Schezuan Chicken and Chicken Flied Lice, and we promptly attacked it with mighty impressive Kung-cutlery-fu.

Once the meal was over, and every rast glain of flied lice was finished, Choi-thanya(the designated cleaner-upper) decided to save himself from excruciating small talk and went to the kitchen to clean up. A minute later, he emerged screaming – “Look what I found, look what I found!!”. We thought there were some lost rangoons and therefore started salivating. You know the deal with Chinese food..30mins later, still hungry? Same rule applies to Chinese women too, btw.

But, instead, he pulls out a handful of fortune cookies and looks at us quizzingly. We weren’t sure what was happening. Then he asked – “Whaat are these?”.

Nikhil looked at me first. I smiled.

Nikhil said – “Escargot”.

Choithanya – “Whaat ees thaat?”.

Nikhil – “Escargot man! Snails..Chinese style!”.

Choithanya – ” How do youu yeat thyem?” .

Nikhil – “Bring me the pliers and I will show you” .(As broke graduate students, we did not have a nut-cracker).

Choithanya returned with the un-wrapped fortune cookie and the pliers.

Nikhil  – “Ehhh, you’re an engineering student, no? Put the Escargot between the plier jaws and crack it open! It’s shell is very hard, so use a lot of force!”.

Choithanya – “…………………Crackle…Pop..Tchwat……” and a thousand little pieces of fortune cookie fell to the floor.

By this time, Sandy, Nikhil and me are rolling on the ground, putting Tirumala’s rolling devotees to shame, fists clenched and laughing so hard it hurt.

Choithanya caught the fortune that was fluttering to the ground and read aloud – ” With many years comes the wisdom of ages”.

fortune-cookie

1. The fortuituous Escargo incident

2. The Mer-men of Kovalam Beach

3. The French Feat of Strength

4.  The Mormon-Iyer conjunction.

5. How the Earth got Jiggy with it.

6. How to pull a fast one on MES-ites.